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Searching the heart

 

Today in our women’s Bible study group, we were discussing Mark 10:17-27, the Rich Young Ruler, and Luke 12:13-21 The Rich Fool. We talked about generosity and how open we are to doing that. We went on to talk about God’s provision, and some admitted they had a little trouble in trusting God to provide what they needed if they had no money or no access to their money. This lead on to the condition of our hearts – what was the most important thing in our lives, why do we find it difficult to make God first and to trust God to provide all we need? Were our motives right when we did give, or when we did serve?

I realised that God had taught me a lesson about having the right heart in my service to Him. I used to have a nice singing voice and an ear for harmonising. I led a little singing group that performed items during some church services and at church social events, I was on a roster to lead the music team in worship, and I had some lovely compliments about my voice. During this time, I thought I was thankful to God for my voice but did not realise my heart was not right. Looking back, I think I was prideful of my voice and proud of being able to lead in this area.

One day, I could not sing. Well, I could make a noise, but my voice was simply awful when I tried to sing. I consulted a throat specialist who checked my vocal chords but could not find anything wrong. He said that I may have been using my voice wrongly when I sang and suggested I had voice training—something I had never had. I tried that but only attended a handful of times, as we had very little money at the time and the voice coach increased her fees. So, for around twenty years I grieved that I could not worship God through my singing voice. I did hear God say, ‘your voice is beautiful in my sight when you use it to worship me’. That should have been a hint!

As an adult in my sixties, I went back to voice lessons with a renowned local singing teacher and stayed with her for around eighteen months. She was impressed with my range, and I could keep in tune, but my voice just did not work well. She even invited the top opera singer in the region to sit in on a lesson to give me some tips. Nothing worked and, in the end, she said she was very sorry, but she could not do anything more for me. I grieved anew.

It was only as I reflected on this during our Bible study today, that I realised my heart had been wrong all those years ago. My worship, then became something very different. It came from the heart, because my voice no longer worked to express it in song. It still distresses me at times that I cannot sing the beautiful worship songs to God that I yearn to do, but I am so thankful that He dealt with my heart. Even though my heart changed, He has chosen not to give me back my singing voice, but I am at peace with that.

I pray that you will search your heart and ensure it is right with God. God bless you.

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