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A journey with grief

 

This year has been really difficult, sapping my strength and energy. Towards the end of last year, mum, at ninety three years old, made the decision to enter a rest home as she could no longer cope. We had organised as much help as was available and were visiting two to three times a day, but it wasn’t enough as she grew increasingly frail as well as slightly confused and lost the desire or energy to undertake basic tasks.

She slowly settled into life in the rest home and was starting to join in activities when the cyclone hit. The residents were evacuated to another rest home where she caught COVID. She ended up fighting for her life in hospital where she stayed for five weeks. We then had to find a rest home that gave hospital level care as she had lost all independence, including being so fatigued she could no longer feed herself. We found a lovely place with caring and compassionate staff and felt at last that we could relax a little. Twelve days after admission she fell and fractured her hip. She endured surgery and recovered well, being discharged from hospital around a week and a half later. Within two days she suffered a stroke and finally passed away after another three days. It was heart breaking watching her struggle to breathe and in pain in spite of having the maximum amount of pain relief possible. It was so lovely to see her finally at rest and knowing where she was going—to join her beloved husband of 63 years in Heaven.

There had already been 10 weeks of grieving and letting go of the strong independent mother we had known all our lives. We now had a different journey to make. The funeral was beautiful and well attended, a fitting honour to an amazing woman.

The more extrovert among us were able to grieve openly. As an introvert I appeared to be in control apart from a brief moment during the funeral. My grieving will be done in solitude. It is important to acknowledge that grief looks different for all of us. The way we grieve and the length of our grief will look different—and that’s OK.  For the one who seems to move on quickly, that’s fine. For the one who takes longer before the memories bring comfort and pleasure—that’s OK (unless we are getting stuck).

So be kind. If you think someone should be done grieving by now, then recognise there is no particular pattern or time period for grief. The greatest support someone can give is to be prepared to listen if someone wants to talk about their loved one or their grief yet again. Understand that the strong person holding it all together may be hiding a tremendous struggle with grief. Be kind, have grace, be sensitive.

Take care, God bless.


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